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I feel better, not physically but emotionally. I can really smile today.

So, I just realized only 1 person has me on their tumblr. Awwh, how sad. Ohwait… You mean no one gets these posts? You mean I can say what I want?… >:3 So, this may seem wierd, but I am happy about that because I have been trying very hard to pull the shell back on (I’m doing ok at this) and knowing I can gush or cry here and practically no one will notice will help me. How? Well, I will still feel like I am getting stuff off my chest but no one really has to know. Be prepared for a shit storm of emotion tumblr.

Every day, I find things to fill the void. Alcohol, drugs, anything so I don’t feel so alone. I cry alone. I fume alone. I try to find a job, figure out schooling, clean. I do these things for you. I spend a lot of time alone. When you get back from work, you could call so we could go get you. but you wait as long ass you can. Then, you come back and step out the door. You rarely even say hello. You told me you need time away from me. Time to hang out without me. And I can have nothing to say about your money or feeling lonely or sad or angry because you get mad. You don’t want me the way I am, but how could you? Just… Look at me. I feel like I am just your way to get off. My opinions and things I find important just don’t matter because you have a job and friends and I don’t. I’m just some fat loser, right? I hate that I have to pretend every day that it doesn’t hurt. That everything else just seems to be so much more important. And I can’t tell anyone. Nope, I have to cry alone because I have spent so much time trying to change their mind about you. I can’t tell them, I can’t tell you. And because I pretend, you don’t know how much worse it gets every day. I am ruining myself just trying to make it one more day through it all. But I can’t leave because then what do I have? Even more nothing. I just… Thought you would understand me and care. Instead you scream at me and make me pretend like when I was young. I don’t wanna go through it again. But I made my choice I guess. I just thoughts maybe I could find someone that would be happy to come home to me and happy to have me in their life. What a naive idea that was.

tumblrbot asked: WHAT IS YOUR EARLIEST HUMAN MEMORY?

Kerren had her second birthday in the hospital in New York after burning her leg on a hot water pipe. She got “One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish” and a birthday cake. My mom stayed in the hospital with her and I was crying, so my dad put me on his shoulders and bought me a Snickers from a newspaper stand.